A Most Difficult Gift

It’s the month of those holidays that are supposed to be about love, peace, light, charity and compassion, no matter what ideology you follow, if you follow one at all. I hope that in moments here and there amidst the angry competition for parking spaces and the worry over what your credit card bill is going to look like in January and all the errands that are triple what they are in, say, early March, everyone can find a few quiet moments to reflect on the tenets mentioned above that are really what this is all about.

I know how I feel in my own heart about those things and this holiday, and they have always been part of how I try very hard to live my life. I’m not always successful, but I try, and I really feel it when I fail. This world is brutal sometimes, and when you get hurt badly, the 6th tenet, forgiveness, is easily the most challenging, but the most important.

The death of my mother this year has brought that one to the forefront for me. There was a lot of deep damage done that still comes back to me frequently in my life in very painful ways, so it can feel almost impossible to quell the anger and focus instead on what she was going through and what her unmet needs were doing to her ability to be a loving parent. The kind of neglect and abuse I experienced from her was invisible and insidious, only perpetrated when there was no one else around to witness it. No bruises to show to the authorities. To me, and to a very small number of close friends who know me inside and out plus one cousin who saw it in her own experience, it is anything but invisible, and I wonder if I will ever truly be free of it. I acknowledge, grudgingly sometimes, that forgiving her is probably the only way I will ever be totally free of it. I talk to her, sometimes in rage and sometimes with understanding and compassion, because I feel that she has to hear me now and acknowledge this, as she was utterly closed to listening at all when she was alive.

There are others I have already forgiven, whether they know it or not, but this is the big enchilada for me because it seems to have such a choke-hold on my inner-most workings. One thought that has brought a grain of comfort is that perhaps forgiveness is the lesson I agreed to come to this crazy planet to learn, and she was the teacher. Give that woman a golden apple. She aced it. Now I guess it’s my turn. A life challenge. Oh, goodie. But I know how important it is and it goes hand in hand with all the other lovely tenets of this holiday season, so I guess there’s no time like the present.

Is there someone you need to forgive?
How hard will that be? Do you think you can do it? What do you need to consider about that person’s heart and soul, their pain and struggle, their frustration and anger at unmet needs, their insecurities, their humanness, in order to forgive them? What tools do you have that you think might make that easier? Who do you know that has the kind of heart you could spill this to in safety to work it out?

They say that forgiving someone who has hurt you only helps YOU, and some probably don’t give a rat’s patootie if they hurt you, offering not even scant apology. Some won’t even acknowledge that an apology is warranted. If you are dealing with this kind of a situation, unfortunately, it’s all on you. So, perhaps while you’re busy giving holiday gifts to everyone else and secretly wondering if they’re “enough” (stop it!), maybe think about giving yourself the best gift of all. Forgive your perps. They don’t even have to know about it. Just free your own heart of all that anger, throw some more wood on the fire and enjoy a rummy nog.

Happiest of holidays to all.

© 2019 Laurie MacMillan All rights reserved.