Do You Always Trust Your FIrst, Initial Feeling?

It’s a time for firsts… First of the year. First year of a new decade. The first New Year’s resolution whose futility will make itself clear right around the first of February. I’m not into writing about the usual New Year stuff, but I felt inspired to write about first feelings. The next line of that very wise song by Fleetwood Mac:

“Special knowledge holds true, best believe it.”

I have never been a believer in “love at first sight.” Or first lunch or first whatever. It takes quite a bit of time to really get to know someone no matter what the relationship type, and to know whether they are going to be a long-termer or not. Several decades of keen observation have taught me that most people, myself definitely included, walk around in a thick armor of protective material, fashioned in childhood and fortified in school and at work and through relationships. We tend to present ourselves as who we think the others either want or expect us to be in order to “make a good impression.” Translation: avoid judgement and rejection. No matter how “authentic” or independent or feisty you think you are, you do it. It’s almost impossible to pierce the armor and have an honest conversation, never mind really know who’s inside that shell of iron until you’ve spent a decent amount of time, slowly letting your respective guards down. And sometimes it’s all a big surprise. After a warm and friendly first impression, time can later reveal a tendency to snipe and judge and condemn. Behind it, always, is pain and fear. And ego, which is just fear.

On the flip side, someone who appears cold, aloof and conceited can melt into the kindest person you could ever know once you take the time to break through what is really only… shyness. Is that a possibility you’re willing to consider?

I remember a cab driver in New York who just would not acknowledge my presence in the cab with a glance or a word or a grunt. I imagined he got ignored by his fares regularly. It made me very uncomfortable. I noticed lots of soccer paraphernalia and photos on his dashboard, so I asked him one question. “Who’s your favorite soccer player?” He burst into a jolly, laughing, animated person, and it ended up being the most fun cab ride ever. Sometimes it’s so easy to break down a wall if you can find a reason to try. I admit that I have harbored initial assumptions about a few people in the past and had my head slapped upside when they turned out to be anything but what I had assumed by first impression. Very humbling, but it taught me a valuable lesson. People are so much deeper and more dimensional than we can ever know based upon a flimsy first impression.

Some really do wear their hearts on their sleeves, and if they continue to do that throughout their entire lives, then they are far stronger than most of us. Maybe they never felt the need for armor. They’re lucky and resilient and full of trust, and I hope they keep it always. I don’t know anyone like that, but if I did, I would bask in their strength and hope some of it rubbed off on me.

We. Are. The. Same…
…before we get polluted with hurt and anger and especially lies.
The first cut is the deepest. That’s a first that can probably be trusted. When that first assault on a virgin heart is delivered, I believe it pierces the soul. It’s such a shocking and foreign feeling from our original innocence that it can feel like death is happening. So it’s no wonder we try to find a way to stop it from ever happening again pretty quickly by adopting a defense. Trouble is, it always does happen again and the armor is galvanized.

No one lives a pain-free life. It’s one of the things that keeps us all equal, and compassion for the pain of others is one thing we should cultivate to stop all the false assumptions that fuel anger and separation. That needs to stop, and that’s down to us and no one else. We have to stop focusing on what divides us and cultivate what fosters communication and understanding.

Something to try with a trusted friend or family member:
Even between people who are super close, there still remains some self-protection in certain situations. It might crack the heart open a bit more to sit with each other and tell each other, truly and deeply, what hurts you the most, and what frightens you the most. Obviously, real trust is necessary for this. You both have to be willing to let it rip. Communicating this honestly through a threadbare part of your armor will only bring you closer and grow the compassion and love between you. It’s great practice. See if it makes it easier to try really deep, armor-free communication later with someone else, and then someone else - whoever is open enough to try it. This is real authenticity. This is how trust is built. Lower your shields and see yourselves looking back at each other.

And just in case you have a hankerin’ to hear that haunting, beautiful song, here it is.
Crystal by Fleetwood Mac

© 2020 Laurie MacMillan All rights reserved.