How to Stop Resenting Difficult People

Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone with the same mindset, likes and tastes, inner nature and demeanor could all live together in the same place, away from the people with whom they just can’t seem to connect or get along? Back in the 1700s, Emanuel Swedenborg was a scientist and engineer who underwent a “spiritual awakening”, in his own words, and was way ahead of his time with reports from the afterlife before anyone had heard of a near-death experience. He claimed to have taken regular visits to the heavenly realms where he learned that in the afterlife, we all gather together with only the people of like mind and spirit, with whom we feel comfort, love and kinship.

But that’s Heaven. We live here.

There are so many flavors of “syndromes” and “personality disorders” now listed in the official book psychologists use to determine which pill they’re going to prescribe for you (the DSM-5… which does not mean the Dope ‘em Some More-5) that the book looks like a Tolstoy first draft. It’s usually stored on the bottom shelf because any higher a perch would topple the book case. Narcissistic? Passive-Aggressive? Diva? Bully? Selfish? Drama queen? Sniper? We all know some. On certain days, we probably all ARE some. For those who have a tendency to take things personally, life among people who exhibit this behavior can be very tiring, hurtful and maddening.

So, here’s maybe something to try.

When some narcissist starts gaslighting you or some passive-aggressive tries to shred-you-with-a-smile, instead of getting upset and feeling resentment, stop yourself and wonder what kind of pain they must have gone through to have learned this behavior. It was probably learned as a way to protect themselves from someone else’s abuse, or a fear they harbor about themselves, or a feeling of emptiness they have to fill by making themselves “bigger” than everyone else because maybe somebody made them feel small. When you start to get shade from someone like this, try to separate yourself from the insult and look at them as you would look at a hurting child, because that is most likely where they are in their heart and spirit when they treat you like this. If you can focus on their pain instead of your own anger, you automatically shift from resentment to compassion, and the whole dynamic changes. You are not a victim and they are maybe not purposely trying to hurt you. Something’s going on for them that most likely has nothing at all to do with you. You’re just in front of them, or you have something they want, or they feel like you’re some sort of a threat. That’s not your fault.

Taking in this stuff can trigger all sorts of learned, negative self-talk and victim-y stuff, like “people always treat me like crap” or “I am not respected” or whatever your whine du jour happens to be. That doesn’t help you have a better life, and it’s probably not even making a dent in their behavior towards you. So a new muscle to work out is to stop taking hurt in and start sending compassion and understanding out. (Or just walk away if you have that luxury and just don’t want to deal with it at all.) But don’t take it into yourself and turn it into yet another negative belief that holds you back from your peace of mind.

When we respond from anger and resentment, it cooks up all kinds of ugly stuff like revenge, back-biting and all that stuff we won’t have to deal with in Heaven. It just adds jet fuel to the fire that could be extinguished with a little love. Very hard, sometimes, I know. Very, very hard. But if this makes it more attractive, you regain your own power when you switch from resentful victim to compassionate observer. I’ve put this to the test in my own life this year, and even if they don’t know you are thinking of them with compassion, it will work for YOU. It’s almost impossible to feel resentment and compassion at the same time. Another switch to flip when things get testy and you want to feel better.

Of course, one always has the option to just walk away, but sometimes these are folks we have to live with, work with, or deal with in some social or academic setting. If there is no escape, try a little tenderness. It certainly won’t hurt you, and it might soften them up, too. Maybe there’s a friend hiding in there somewhere.

And happy National Bosses Day! (Not at all a prompt for this topic…) and National Liqueur Day and National Feral Cat Day. And if you’re feeling blue, cheer up - Friday is National Chocolate Cupcake Day. I feel festive.

© 2019 Laurie MacMillan All rights reserved.