Secrets

I asked my dear friend to give me a prompt - a topic to write about, since I don’t always want to write about holidays. She said, “Secrets.”  OK, I've had a  few. Mostly just secret recipes.

I’ve always considered secrets to be things that were harbored by people with more interesting lives than mine. I can’t think of a single secret I have, save perhaps my guilty pleasure in 1970s disco music. How can anyone diss a sound that gets you on your feet like that? Are there really people who prefer to listen to sounds that make you want to kill someone? Or yourself? I recall Blue Oyster Cult…. not a bad song musically, that Reaper one, but I’d rather listen to Earth Wind and Fire call me a Shining Star any day. And Boogie Oogie Oogie till I just can’t boogie no more.

So that’s my only secret, unless I really go deep and admit things that I haven’t admitted to myself yet. I know they’re there. I’ve seen their shadows cross my wall in the setting sun once in a while, but I have not fully embraced them yet, and the years are careening by. I’m not convinced that getting a firmer grip on my elusive inner secrets will really make much of a difference in my life at this stage, so I keep other peoples’ secrets instead. And very well, although some of them I really would rather not know. I do think everyone is entitled to a few secrets, especially when complete and total surveillance is breathing on us hotly in our nearly complete technocracy. Telling our secrets to each other on a deserted beach or in the car (and I'm not even sure about that anymore) is the only privacy we have left.

The kinds of secrets that cause pain are a different animal, though, and I’m happy to be personally free of those. Is there really such a thing as a true secret? People whisper that they have one and inevitably tell it, and gossip is born, which is very damaging. I have likened gossip to a few shots in the dark that turn into a hail of bullets seeking an army to fight a one-sided war. One whisper that is most likely completely ill-informed becomes a recruitment tool for people whose lives are so small that they have to entertain themselves by making up lies about someone else's. There is the type that is meant to protect the innocent from a known bad actor, and then there is the flat-out mean-spirited gossip that can shred an innocent heart. And it doesn’t die easily. One has to kill it with gusto. Perhaps accompanied by some heavy metal.

Personally, I’m an open book with no glossary at the back. I love animals but my naturopathic doctor said I can never be a vegan. I come as close as I possibly can without tipping into Addison’s Disease. Sorry, Vegan Nation, I love you and what you stand for, but I have adrenal issues. And I would literally attack with a nail-studded 2 x 4 anyone abusing an animal in my presence. Not hyperbole, I really actually would, but there would be just a lot of screaming first.

What else? I hate cilantro. Who made this a thing? I was grateful for the arugula and fennel pollen trends, but good God. This is leafy PineSol. I resent having many otherwise delicious dishes ruined by this herbal curse.

Do you have a secret? Why do you need to keep it? Are you afraid to be ridiculed as in being a disco fan, or do you feel something you think you shouldn’t feel? Is there judgement attached to it, or fear? Are you doing something you don’t want anyone to know you’re doing because something else is not making you happy? Do you keep a secret out of hurt or anger?

Someone once lifted the scales from my eyes when she said to me, “Anger is just a normal reaction to unmet needs.”  I think perhaps unmet needs also lead to things one has to keep secret. A cruel catch 22. What would the gossip-mongers do with their little selves if all of our needs were miraculously met and secrets were unnecessary? How can we figure out how to have our needs met without spiraling down into secrets that might hurt someone? I think it always comes down to really deep, fearless honesty. With others but first with yourself. You can’t tell the truth to others when you’re lying to yourself.

Are you keeping something inside to hold up the status quo? Avoid a rocky boat? Does that make you happy? Sometimes when you fall out of a boat, a dolphin gives you a ride to the warm, sunny shore. Stay adrift or hitch a ride to the beach?

Free your secrets, free your heart.

© 2019 Laurie MacMillan All rights reserved.